Casual Yet Refined
We hear you. We love breakfast burritos too. Eat just one and you're a different person. It changes something inside of you. Then why not offer them on the weekends you ask? Is it because Jack's limits their availability to Monday through Friday to drum up more breakfast business?
We wish. Because then the real reason wouldn't be so embarrassing: You see, we don't know how to make the breakfast burritos on the weekends.
The cause of this inability can be traced to the mid-'80s when David, Chris, and I were in high school and had to make some hard choices: take classes that would teach us things or focus the totality of whatever intellectual acumen we possessed to figure out how to get a date.1
A no-brainer. We skipped enrolling in science and math classes – which would have fortified us with the knowledge to someday make weekend burritos a reality – and instead, I took Drama, Dave committed himself to transmogrifying into Nick Rhodes 2, and Chris just kept washing his car. 3
What we needed to have done is enroll in Calculus and Physics. That would have helped us crack the weekend burrito code. During Saturday and Sunday brunch, when Jack's sees two to three times the number of weekday guests, we would have been able to solve the problem of how many square feet of grill area we would need, divided by the number of seats we have, multiplied by the number of "from the griddle items" ordered within a given time-frame plus the aggregate circumference of tortillas for each contemporaneously ordered burrito, divided by the coefficient of the unknown variable "y", which results from the number of hours of sleep the Chef missed divided by the number of Don Julio shots he didn't, rounded to the fifth decimal point and then multiplied by Pi,4 that would still allow us to cook all breakfast items within 15 minutes from ordering, and regardless of how many guests we had at one time. 5
Knowing what we don't know today, and if we could do it over again, we would go back and enroll in those Calculus classes. 6 But we can't, because what are the chances of our being able to build a time machine if we can't even make Mexican-inspired egg, bacon, and hash-brown wraps on Saturdays and Sundays? The good news is, our kids are all smarter than we are, and will be enrolling in STEM classes.
Help is on the way.
In the meantime, please enjoy our breakfast burritos M-F until the next generation of Marcovicis can acquire the higher-math skills they will need to bring you burritos on the weekends.
If you have any more questions about this, please e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org
1. Combine that with our having to work at Eleni’s – sometimes during school! – and the Jack’s Brothers combined GPA of 2.75 is actually quite an achievement.
2. He came oh so close, missing only the ability to play keyboards and sing but nailing that quintessential Rhodian look that said “I give you the evolving hairstyles of Cheryl Ladd, eyeliner applied by blind preschoolers, and shirts buttoned to my Adam’s apple, all cloaked in an aggressive nonchalance.”
3. Those who knew us in high-school may tell you that we were not successful at getting dates either. The alternative fact is however, we had lots of dates. Lots and lots. Too many to count. We had so many dates, we got bored of dating.
4. What we remember from math: something about Pi.
5. And there’s the short answer: not enough griddle space on the weekends.
6. No we wouldn’t.